A friend of mine told me when I feel
stressed or upset about somthing
then I should just write. I'm not 
supposed to think about what I'm
writing (like when you read a book
but you not really paying attention)
and then see what my subconscious
comes up with. I tried it in my 6th period
English class and here's what I got:

I don't understand what I've done wrong but I've done it and this pain is unbearable but I've bared it this long. I wonder if you were never in the picture would I be better or would I be worse. You think you know me but you don't know a thing. You can't see what I've got. I'll make you see. You won't anyway and you can't have it, always just out of your reach. I can't bear, can't wear it and I'm floating on my lost sea of souls, empty and dry, but it means nothing and makes no difference because to you I owe thanks but can't admit it but to me you owe apologies but are too proud. And they listened to my words and took my advice but it still means nothing and nothing came of it in the end but I drift on and on and there is a door that opens to a window and every fiber screams JUMP! so I do but I don't. I stare down and there her body lies. A part of me but not all until I surrender to all I can't bear. So I take the leap but it means nothing and nothing happened.

I've come to this conclusion: It's
about my ex-boyfriend and I was
also a bit suicidal at the time I wrote
it. Let's see if you can figure out the
rest. I'm really curious to see what
people have to say about my (emo)
subconscious.


So while I was writing the first one 
the same thing played in my head
over and over again: This is rubbish
this is rubbish this is rubbish. Turns
out it wasn't (to me at least) so I chose
to write another one:

All that I am and all that I ever was makes no difference for it's all I'll ever be and you can see me whoever you are. A stranger I've fallen for and his love has me in his grips and I can't let go and we won't let go. For all we ever are is all we'll ever be and that is empty except full. Don't ask me why, don't ask me where but it comes to gently and knocks me off my feet. It is everything.

I know this isn't about a (real) person.
I think it's more about an idea and that
idea is love. It's about how badly I want it
and want to fall into it but I'm terrified of
the concept of trusting someone with my
heart and that is where the emptiness
comes from. It's from wanting what you
just can't have or won't allow yourself to
have and the person on the receiving line
wants my love but I just can't give it to them.
I almost fell in love once but with what I
thought he was. I'm not making that mistake
again.


Writing these things are like dreaming while I'm awake. Very interesting insight to my mind. I may write more in the future. I suggest you do the same. Then post it and tell me about it. =)

I love God. 

Yeah that pretty much sums it up. He's been there for me all this time. This past year, so much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I've been through so much just recently and a lot of it was and still is very painful and hard to cope with. Oddly enough it brought me so much closer to God. It's like He knew what would eventually happen and He sent people into my life to resque me and show me how much I am loved. These people I am so thankful to and for. They have shown me how be, how to live, and how to forgive. And all the while I was developing a strong relationship with Christ. I know now I need Him in my life. For so long I've been roughing it on my own. Had I done it on my own this time I may have very well ended up dead by now.

Thank you Father for everything.